Does your child play the messenger role?...

Family breakdown, separation and divorce can be an incredibly stressful and confusing time for all involved. A range of feelings can be experienced such as; hurt, resentment, guilt, confusion, grief and loss, anxiety, regret, loneliness, relief, sadness among many others.

Research shows that during this time children are too often becoming the ‘messenger’. the communication link between parents. This can occur inadvertently or when a parent asks the child to find out or, withhold information about the other person,their weekend or their new partner and deliver it back to them.

This ‘messenger’ role puts children in an extremely difficult position, not only can it create alliances and distrust, it can also cause children to feel responsible, whilst putting huge amounts of emotional stress on them, to try to manage and deal with adult concepts and issues that are effectively adult ones to resolve.

Following are 3 tips that research suggests are helpful to be aware of, when going through separation or divorce.

1 - be mindful of the role of ’messenger’., if communication with your ex partner is challenging, it may be helpful to try using email. .Email can give each parent the opportunity to read over a message before hitting send and also documents what was agreed too. This approach also avoids having to have challenging conversations about the children, in front of the children

2- try to be mindful of not putting too much of your own personal stress and anxiety onto your child, they do not have the capacity to deal with adult concepts and issues. There are other avenues for parents to seek emotional support such as though online groups and counselling (see resources page for ideas)

3 - if your child is spending time at your ex partners place, upon their return to you, it is important to acknowledge their weekend. As completely ignoring their experience or bombarding them with questions, can make children feel conflicted and unsure about what they can and cannot say. Marriage and Family expert M Gary Neuman suggests that it may help for parents to view their child’s weekend away, as if it had been with aunt or uncle, as this can help parents to show interest, whilst maintaining boundaries and not getting into interrogation mode.

It’s important to remember that if you have been unintentionally engaging in this way, there is always opportunity to repair this with your child. Apologise, explain what you have done and then come up with a sign that they can use, such as putting their hand in the air, should you start talking about your ex partner in an inappropriate way. This not only give you a time out but empowers your child to let you know that its happening again, without having to verbalise it.

If you need additional support and guidance, there are several agencies and professionals who specialise in this area, please refer to the resources page

Ref Divorced Parents & Their Children WebMD (2009).

Is your child starting kindergarten or preschool this week?

I wanted to re post a blog I’d previously written, regarding creative ideas to support separation anxiety, in case your little person is feeling a little unsure about having to leave mum/dad at the start of this school year.

Children need to feel secure and connected to their caregivers, especially when they are away from them.  Here are 3 creative ideas which may help ease some anxiety.

Pocket Love (3 years and up*)

Many young children like to collect precious items, often seeking these from nature: stones, sticks, shells, leaves, clovers. If you can, spend time with your child collecting pebbles or small stones from the garden (or you can use shells). Choose ones that are small enough to fit into your pocket.

• Paint onto your chosen item something that represents your love for your child, this could be a love heart, a word, or colours. Your child can create one too. (Use white acrylic paint for the base colour, so added colours will stand out)

• Explain to your child how your love passes into the stone or shell, you can hold it in your palm, even give it a kiss, telling them how much you love them. It can be helpful to carry it in your own pocket for a time, before giving it to your child, to take with them.

• When your child is away from you, they can keep it in their pocket, take it out to hold it and know that your love is with them.

TIP: It can be useful to make a few of these, if one goes missing, you always have a spare.

*Note: these are suggested age groups only and may vary depending on the individual child.

Invisible String (5 years and up)

A similar idea, instead using the concept of an invisible string*. A string that connects your hearts together and passes your love along the string, no matter where you are.  It can be helpful to get a ball of string or wool, to use as a visual tool, when explaining this to your child.

• Give the end of the string to your child, get them to hold onto it, you hold the other end.

• You can even move yourself (unrolling the ball) into another room, with the string still connected, to show them how it works.

• Let your child know that you are always connected by an invisible string of love, no matter where they are. They could be at school, staying at a friends house, in bed, or even living a different house or city. It doesn't matter where the two of you are, you will always be connected through love.

• I often add to this by asking the child to imagine what the string between you looks like, is it made of string? Ribbon or fabric? Is it light or heavy? What colour is it? Or is it invisible? By asking your child to use their imagination in this way, it will help them, when they are away from you, to visualise the connection between you.

*The above is based on a book called ‘The Invisible String’, by Patrice Karste, which can be purchased from online bookstores.

Little Notes (children of reading age)

A quick and easy idea, put a little note into your child’s lunch box, inside their workbook, pencil case, or under their pillow. Let them know you love them, and you’re thinking of them. Tell them what makes you proud of them.

Playground Inclusion...

Navigating the playground can be a difficult task for any child, for those with a disability it can sometimes prove to be even more challenging. Following is a link to a beautiful animated short film, that tells the true story of a young boy ‘Ian’, highlighting his struggle and pure determination for acceptance, inclusion and friendship. This short film is phenomenal and has won international acclaim! View ‘Ian’ here

More information on the background of this incredible story, can be found here

Interactive Children's story...

I wanted to share this beautiful story ‘Oat the Goat’ created by Ministry of Education New Zealand. The story highlights challenges children may face such as bullying, teasing and isolating others.

Its interactive and provides alternative responses to increase children’s insight, encourages using kindness, whilst building resilience.

Oat the Goat https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JX50BXNrMRU&feature=youtu.be

Suitable for children aged 4-12 years.

Do you overshare with your child/ren?

It can be easy as a parent to unintentionally fall into the trap of treating your child/children like little adults. You may find yourself talking to them about issues such as; money concerns, sharing intimate details about family/friends, talking to them about your own relationship issues, depending on them emotionally for support.

It’s important to be mindful however that you are not burdening your child with what are essentially adult issues to manage.

Children tend to internalise their worries and are often unable to articulate what it is that is concerning them, they can often feel responsible and can at times take on a parentfied role.

Not matter how mature a child seems or appears, developmentally their capacity to be able to make sense of and cope with abstract thoughts and responsibilities is limited.

Three tips to help manage this:

Firstly, notice when you are starting to over share, acknowledge it within yourself. Ask yourself ‘is this an adult issue to deal with?’.

If your child starts to ask questions about things you’ve already shared with them, acknowledge their curiosity i.e. ‘I see you’d really like to know about….’ assure them that it’s going to be OK and that the adults are/will be looking after this issue.

Remember children need to have the space to explore the world, be curious about their surroundings and learn through play and engaging with other children, they don’t need to be too bogged down with adult issues.

Is it helpful to protect children from failure?...

It can be hard to see children struggle and perhaps even fail at achieving something the first time around....it seems in order to 'protect' children from failing, many parents are now stepping in, to try to prevent them from experiencing failure or any of the feelings that may go with it.

How does this approach impact children? Can it inadvertently cause children to be less resilient?!  This article by Mandi Shean speaks to this and offers tips on how to support children emotionally, give praise and help build resilience. 

4 books to help children with worries...

Children experience worries throughout their development, some more than others. It is important that children are helped to develop skills for managing feelings and coping with fear.  Following are four books I often use with children and young people that may be useful for you when supporting your child.

A Huge Bag of Worries by Virginia Ironside (recommended ages 4 - 10 years) this book highlights the concept of worries building up on top of on another, until they become so large that they can impact our sleep, school and other aspects of life.  The book encourages sharing worries, as this can help to make them more manageable.

Hey Warrior by Karen Young (recommended ages 6 and up) -  this book is a great resource as it helps to explain to children and young people what actually happens in our brain when we are feeling anxious. Having the knowledge as to why we sometimes respond they way we do, can be very empowering.

The Boy and a Bear: The Children's relaxation book by Lori Lite (recommended ages 3-10years) - .this book introduces children to breathing and techniques to support calming for sleep when feeling worried/anxious.

What to do when you worry too much by Bonnie Matthews - (recommended 6-12 years with parental support) is an interactive kids self help book designed to guide kids through a range of cognitive behavioural therapy based activities to help support anxiety.

Self care and why it is so important...

The concept of self care is often viewed as being selfish, or something that only people with lots of time or money can do.   Self care however is an important part of being able to provide emotional, physical, social and spiritual support to ourselves and others.

Parents and carers in particular are often required to meet the needs of others (often their children's) before themselves, which over time can have a huge impact ones own health and well being.

Here are some quick tips on how to ensure you add some self care into your routine

 - read a book that's unrelated to your work, or study

- have some technology down time

- learn a new skill (knitting, try a Sudoku puzzle, write in a journal, practice mindfulness)

- listen to a favourite song or album

- go for a 15 minute walk outside

- find something that makes you laugh

“Self care is not a waste of time. Self care makes your use of time more sustainable.”
– Jackie Viramontez

Is your parenting on the same page?

Parenting is arguably challenging and rewarding, the strain of having a difference in opinion, on how to parent can definitely increase stress!!  Nicole Schwarz Parent Coach has written an interesting article, that provides some handy tips on how to tackle this often sensitive issue.

Back to school anxiety...

Starting back at school can be a stressful time of year for all of the family, especially after a significant amount of time away for holidays. Many children and teenagers can become anxious about the transition into a new year and can often start to become increasingly clingy, complain of having pains in the tummy, headaches, become easily upset, withdrawn and irritable and start to talk about not wanting to go to school.

Research suggests that it is important that parents ensure that their child does attend school, as  avoidance of school is said to only increase and reinforce a child's worries , making it increasingly difficult for them to attend in the long term. 

Being away from school not only reduces the child's social interaction with peers and ability to increase their skills, it arguably limits the child's ability to gather evidence that challenges their fears about school.

Children's school worries are often centered around the unknown, the 'what if', some examples are:

'what if I don't like my new teacher?', 'how will I know where my classroom is?', 'what if I don't know  anyone there?', 'who will I sit with at lunch', 'what if I miss the bus?', 'what if I cant do the school work'.

If your child is anxious about school, it can helpful to start to prepare for the return to school a week or two* before school starts. Some suggestions are as follows:

A week before school starts:-

• Start getting into the school routine by waking up early, eating breakfast and going to bed at regular times, explaining to your child(ren) that the whole family needs to adjust to the new schedule
• Create a list of items needed to get for school such as pencil case etc and go on a shopping trip together.
• Ask your child to help you plan the first weeks lunches
• Teach and practice coping skills by role modelling behaviours, when you see they are becoming anxious, engage in breathing exercises together such as; taking three big breaths in and out or perhaps use one of these FREE breathing exercise.
• Respond to your child, by acknowledging their feeling AND setting the boundary such as:  'I can see that going to school is making you feel scared but you still have to go, tell me what you're worried about so that we can talk it through'
• Incorporate mindfulness/relaxation activities at night, to help calm and relax the body and brain (see my blog for more ideas).
• Help your child to develop skills to problem solve, what it is they could do for example; if they didn't know where their classroom was at school, they could ask another child or teacher on duty, problem solving can help children to feel more empowered and in control of their experiences.

A couple of days prior to school starting:

• Do the school run a few times, whether its walking, driving or taking the bus. For children who are taking the school bus, it may be helpful to draw a little map of the bus route, including how long it takes to get to school.
• Walk around the school grounds if you can, to familarise the child with the area.
• Have your child try on their school uniform, to get used to the way it feels, including hat/ties etc.
• The night before school, help your child to pack their school bag and set out their school uniform.
• Place a reassuring note in a child’s lunchbox, this can help ease separation anxiety (see my  blog re: separation anxiety for more ideas)

The first day of school: 

• Inform the school/teacher of your child's concerns, so that they are aware of this. 
• Be mindful of your own feelings about sending your anxious child to school and be sure to keep these in check, take some deep breaths, to calm yourself or speak to another adult about your own concerns.
• Have your child go to school with a friend, or meet them at the school gate, for the first couple of days.
• Use positive reinforcement and be sure to praise and reward your child for brave behaviour

*TIP If your child is highly anxious, starting a routine 1-2 weeks out from school might be too much time, therefore adjusting the timeframe to suit your child's needs, such as 3-4 days prior to school may be more appropriate.

If you have significant concerns about your child anxiety and well-being, be sure to contact a health professional, who can provide them with additional support, during this time.

Refs: Anxiety BC (2007-2017) Helping your child cope with back to school anxiety;  K.Young (2015) Dealing with School Anxiety.